I NO LONGER LIVE HERE!!!

lost? yeah dont worry about it! hahahaha. anyway my new journal home is at http://dreaminpink.true2.net

just look for th elink labledblog and youre good to go!

I have decided that friends just totally suck! Well most of them. God they say they are there for you and what do they do...they turn their freaking backs! THATS WHAT THEY DO!

So on the plus side of this...Emily and I are becoming good friends again! That's a total plus!!!

So yeah its been ages since I have written in this thing. I got attached to my new xanga! Anyway Im off to eat or something!

x0x0x rhi*

Bored, bored and oh yeah I forgot...BORED!

Gah! I need someone to come sit over here for like 3 hours so that I can go see a movie or something! I just need away from here for a little bit! It's just nuts.

Ok...thats all the randomness that I have for now. I shall be back to annoy the hell out of everyone with my total randomness later!

hehehe

x0x0x rhi*

Wish that I could read your mind
Understand what you hide in your heart
Then maybe baby I could help you see how loved you are
Wish that I could find the words
That would echo inside of your soul
Cos then my friend you'd know
He loves you so. . .
God loves you so!


Ahhhhhhhh! I absolutely love that song! I listened to it for nearly an hour yesterday on my 2 hour drive from my place to my grandfathers. Haha! I am sad I know but you cant turn a good song off! So anyway I took my brother Jared out to see The Village last night for his bday...THAT MOVIE WAS NUTS! All these people were coming out saying that it sucked and was cheesy and stuff like that...well it was kinda cheesy but I didn't think it sucked. I take that back...THE ENDING SUCKS! Hahaha! When Ivy takes her adventure through the woods I had this total sense of deja vu and it freaked me out and then when she had her flashback it had it again and I totally knew what was going to happen before it even happened. I have either read that story before or I have had nightmares about the creatures in that movie, which has happened before. Yes I know I am odd!!! If there is anyone else that had that deja vu feeling in that movie let me know!!!

So I think that I am going to go see a Cinderella Story today since Kyle didnt want to see it, but we did go see Sleep Over which totally rocked! ::Freeze frame! FREEZE FRAME!:: Sorry you gotta be a Jump5 fan to get that one! Hahaha I really have nothing to do while I am here over the weekend which is totally boring. Maybe I can get my mom to go sit with my great grandmother long enough for me to take my aunt Kim out to eat for her bday dinner. Who knows...so anyway I am off to eat lunch and pray my grandad lets me watch Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen cos this golf crap he watches SUCKS!

until next time,

x0x0x rhi*

So I was listening to FFH and this kinda hit me rather hard. Not sure why but it did. I guess with everything that has gone on since my birthday, things are finally beginning to take their toll one me.

Every day I sit and pray to God above
To watch over me and my family
But every day I seem to pray the same old thing
In the same old way, and I start to think

That maybe I should change
And find something better to say
But I've learned to believe
You always hear me when I pray

So I get down on my knees
'Cause I'm stronger than these
Voices inside of my head
They try to deceive me
And make me believe
That I would be better instead
To take my requests and put them to rest
But You're already one step ahead
You knew just what I would say
Before it was said

Every night I lie awake wondering
If You're listening to every heartbeat
You've told me that You know the deepest part of me
And You'll watch over me and my family

So I guess I shouldn't change
'Cause You hear every word that I say
And I knew You are here
When I come to You this way

So I guess I shouldn't change
'Cause You hear every word that I say
And I knew You were here
When I knelt down today

I just...I guess I am so afraid of things to come. I am finally learning and slowly working on giving things up for Him. He is supposed to be our life and the things we need he will provide to us. I just dont want to lose the ones I love oh so very much in this process. I know if thats what God wants then well I have no choice. I have tried on so many occasions to figure out what He wants from me. I have been trying to listen. I want to be a child of God. I want to be his servant and I want to live and die for Him. I am struggling so much, I just want to be saved (not in the spiritual sense where you say the prayer and you let Him into your heart and accept and believe that Jesus is our Lord and Savior, been there already). I need relief from something, I'm just not sure what.

::sigh::

x0x0x rhi*

Just felt like plastering these in here, though they are about a month old! Hahaha...so I am slow. Just deal with it!

Janessa Caitlyn Avva - 4 and half years old



Jerika Ryleigh Livia - 6 weeks


Jillian Korissa Victoria - 6 weeks


So I am done for now! haha enjoy!

x0x0x rhi*

There comes a time when you realize what you want, what you need and how things should be. There usually always seems to be a problem. Tonight, when I was playing with my four year old and identical two and half month old cousins, I realized what I am supposed to do and be.

The primary thing is a mother. I was made to be a mom. I don't know why or how I know that but after feeding and rocking the twins to sleep no problem while watching Janessa, I just realized how easy it is and how desperately I want kids of my own.

Janessa holding Jillian and their grandmother Kim holding Jerika

As for what I should be doing, I don't know down to a tee what I want to do but I do know that I want to do something with kids. Teaching or something. I don't know, but as long as it is with younger kids. You know when they are eager to learn and want to play and constantly use their imaginations. That's when kids are the most fun.

This is why kids her age are so fun...they are totally random!

So anyway, there is also a time when you realize how much you love someone but you arent exactly sure if that person truly comprehends how much you love them or if they even feel the same way (but you know what i guess i am okay with that now). Two years ago someone came into my life that I had been praying for years for. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He may not realize it but before I met him, I was actually worse that I was. I hated every little thing about me and I hated even more where I was in life. He slowly changed all of that. I still have my days (more often than not) where I just hate everything about myself and everything gets to me. Thats just how I am and more than likely how I will always be until I can get some real help from someone. I just want him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me. I can't always say those things when I am with him but those feelings are always there and they never go away. I am not saying that this person has to be in love with me or anything or really even love me back anymore. Just as long as he knows hes loved. I would honestly give the world for him. I would walk through fire and take away any pain if it were possible. My heart and soul will always belong to him. He means the world to me and I love him so much more than I will ever be able to show or say.

So until next time,

x0x0x rhi*

Okay, so it has yet again been ages since I have updated. Go figure right! Anyway, I am not staying with my grandfather for a while until he gets better. I just want somewhere stable to be. I am tired of being shifted from place to place. It's also really hard to be in this house. Everything about it screams my grandmother's name and it hurts, among other things but I won't get into those things right now.

Time for a little show and tell! You guys are going to hate me because this is going to take freaking ages to load and Im sorry but I must share.

So when I last left off, I left off with pictures of the lead singer from Audio Adrenaline. Here are a few more of them from that performance.

It's that hot lead singer again!


Time for some FFH (far from home)


"I wanna be like Moses when he raised his hands!!!"


Time for some Jump5









And these pictures are from the Freedom Fest concert on July 4th. we wont even talk about how long it took us to get there! Hahaha! But anyway...YAY for Stevie Brock!!!!!!!





"You're the inspiration...I wanna have you near me...I wanna have you hear me say it."

And these are from the Jump5 concert on July 18th (exactly a year from when i saw them last summer!) in Colleyville!

Chris and Brittany


Brittany being cute as usual


Brandon, Brittany, Lesley and Chris jamming out!


Lesley doing her weird backflip thing and Chris in the middle of his back tuck with some lovely whitie tighties! HAHAHA poor Chris!


Brittany, Lesley (whos not even looking at the camera haha) and a bad pic of me!


Chris, Brandon and another bad pic of me!


Chris making some totally weird face (Brit I'm not sure whats going on with that HAHAHA)


I think this is just the cutest sillouette of Lesley so I posted it!


A rather interesting one of Brittany




So I am now done torturing you with pictures for now! Hahaha. I might have some of something up eventually. Who knows!

until next time,

x0x0x rhi*

The light is gone and they shine no more. . .

My great aunt Cindy told me to day that she hasnt seen my eyes sparkle since I was little. If she only knew the pain that I have gone through she would understand why.

Friday my grandparents (on my moms side and the only ones that i am really close today) were in a really bad car wreck. They were in my grandads 3/4 ton truck and hit by a 1.5 ton truck on the driver side. Everyone thought my grandfather was dead but he lived. He made it out with just some broken ribs and cuts and things on his hands and arms. My grandmother on the other hand didnt. She had severe head trauma and died on the operating table friday around lunch sometime. God no one in my family knew anything until about 2 pm and the wreck happened around 10 am. My mother left me at her best friends house all weekend. I guess that turned out to be a good thing. I broke down at my grandfathers yesterday. Then she told me...this is why I left you with her.

So today was my grandmothers service. I had to go the private vewing. God that was the most horrible thing on the face of the earth. She didnt want to be burried. She wanted to be creamated. So she didnt have a casket. She was laid out on this metal table but Guys mother came and put all these pretty blankets on the table and then over her. Shannon got her this pretty suit with roses on it to wear and the lady who usually did her hair came to do it. In a sense it was here but it was just horrible. She was so bloated from the trauma. She looked nothing like my grandmother. I could tell it was her but she was so different. I could hardly stand there to see her. Mom warned me before we went in that she didnt look right. . .I didnt believe her until I saw her. Guys sister Mary sang at the service. She sang my favorite song. I dont know if mom asked her to do that for me or what but she sang I Can Only Imagine. I really wish they would have just played MercyMe's version but we dont get what we want in life. Obviously, or my grandmother would still be here with me.

Anyway, my great aunt Cindy told me next time she sees me that she wants to see the sparkle back in my eyes and she wants to know that I am happy. I think that is going to be a while though. I keep trying to think positive and remind myself that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, but sometimes its SO hard to keep that thought in mind. Maybe this weekend with Kyle will help lift my spirits some. God I hope it does anyway.

Enough of my total ramblings for now. More updates for you soon. Hopefully I have something good to update with....

x0x0x rhi*

Wow...it's been a while. I ran away for the weekend. That's why it has been a while. I like getting away from the net completely sometimes. I think it does me some good to just get away from it for a little while.

So anyway. I got maybe a whole hour of sleep Friday night before we left for Fort Worth on a very early Saturday morning. I was getting up to get ready to go and I hear Tina yelling at her girls. Then Annie came up and told me we weren't going to the show. I was like excuse me but I am because I have plans so if you aren't going then get out of my way cos I need to get ready to go. Then Tina like got mad at me because I was still going without. I'm sorry, but I had plans and I wasn't going to break them when they were the ones that horded in on my trip anyway. So yeah then Tina managed to talk me into waiting til 3 to leave. The suck part of this is that her and Laura got to take turns driving and sleeping. I didnt. I had no one in my car to drive for me. 

Oh well...we missed Phillips, Craig and Dean. I really wanted to see them but oh well. You cant have everything. So we roamed around looking for Heather and Hannah and the bathroom. Kyle and I took the opportunity to ditch Laura and Tina and her devil children while we went to the bathroom. I feel bad but they were horrible to me. I didnt want to be around them at all. So anyway we got away and then found Heather and Hannah talking to Linda Fedun (Chris Fedun's mother). So then we watched Sonicflood and OMG let me just say they rock! I didnt get to watch their whole set though because Heather had to pee and I had to take her to the bathrooms  but I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go!

Then we did pretty much nothing for hours on end. We hung around the Jump5 merchandise table and then waited inline in the heat for like ever to meet Jump5 and get our stuff signed. I had them sign my piano book and Lesley seemed highly impressed that I could play like 6 of the 10 songs in the book. (they arent that easy!) I loved how Brittany was in the middle of laughing and talking to someone and when I stepped in front of her she just stopped and smiled and was like OMG HEEEEEEEEEY! haha shes too freaking cute! Brandon was sweet as usual and so was Chris! Here are just a few pictures from the signing.


This would be Brittany in the purple and then Lesley in the pink after I had already passed them. Oh well...Im slow with the camera! Hahaha

Brandon being totally cute

Brittany, Brandon and a far off shot of Chris.

So those are just a few from the meet and greet thing. We then got bored and waited for them to go by the green room so that we could actually get pictures with them but Brian (their roadie) wouldnt let us. God I miss Derek. Derek rocked! Anyway...we sat around there forever and I actually fell asleep for a little bit with my head in my hands. I member everyone was talking to me, or at least trying too but I was just too freaking hot and tired to even open my eyes and answer them.

So we then moved back to the merchandise table and well I just felt like crap and Christine seemed to be the only one who A...noticed and 2...cared. Hannah knew something was wrong but she never mentioned anything.  So then we were going to go watch Audio Adrenaline perform but then we got side tracked because Linda brought Lesley, Brittany and Chris by so we could get pictures with them.

Lesley, Me (this is like one of the very few pictures you will ever see of me on here), Chris and Brittany.

So then heres the totally hot guy from Audio A that I just wanted to touch! Hahaha ok that sounds so wrong but oh well!

Ok, so enough show and tell for now. Im getting kinda sleepy. Check back tomorrow for some more photo updates from the weekend and more about how horrid and great it was! haha

x0x0x rhi*